Max and Samwise

So its now 3:45 and I've been awake for 45 minutes. My mind won't let me sleep apparently.

Max Bowers has been on my mind alot recently. I wish it didn't take losing someone to realize how important someone is to you. And I only knew him for maybe a year. But there was always something about this man that appealed to me, though I never knew what it was until now.

One of my favorite monologues, passages or speeches comes at the end of The Two Towers in which Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins are faced with the prospect of facing the giant of Mordor alone. They both finally are realizing the nature of the battle that they face; that it is a constant, pounding, internal battle. Here is the dialogue in which Sam offers my favorite speech:

“I can’t do this Sam.”-- Frodo

“I know. It’s all wrong. By right we shouldn't even be here. But we are.

“It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo; the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the ending because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, the shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

“Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But, I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something…” -- Sam

“What are we holding onto, Sam?” -- Frodo

“That there is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.” -- Sam


It literally brings tears to my eyes when I read that. I know now why I can't stop thinking about Max. Max was a man who simply understood the way hope prompts a person to action. He probably couldn't lay out a logical argument as to why he should help people but, rather, Max had this nature to him that saw the good in people. He was a man who had learned to identify a person's need and, without pausing, he would work until that person recieved the food, prayer, support or love that they were seeking.

Oh, how the darkness and dangers are far more subtle than orc armies, trolls or evil wizards! Our battles lie at such a level where we are faced with even greater giants; complacency, hardness of heart, and our pursuit after those tiny bits of novelty around us that keep our mind distracted from the choices that are actually inescapable anyways. How can this world go back to the way it was? With all of the pain and selfishness and abandonment that subtly flows alongs with the lifeblood of this drama, how can the end be happy? Really, how can the end be happy?

Yet this life we live is full of these decisions. Carpe diem? Suck the marrow of out of life? Sometimes I doubt if thats really good... perhaps we should leave the marrow where it is if pain and poison are the only things in the marrow. Yet the life of Max Bowers has shown me similar to what Samwise's speech does. That there is good in this world and it is worth fighting for. That darkness, too, will pass.

Honestly, the idea of hope leaves me hopeless. It seems to me that if hope is required, then the situation is hopeless. No one asks for hope if they are on the winning side of a battle. But I think thats the point I am realizing... though these times are full of darkness and danger, the shadow is only a passing thing. The sun will shine and it will shine brighter and stronger than any darkness can fight back.

"Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't." I have always heard that line and simply understood that these people never turned back... I see now that they had many many chances to turn back. The desire to give up, go home and find comfort is as constant as waves pounding on a breakwall. They were, and we are, constantly faced with that option to give up hope, and in so doing relieve themselves, or to stand firm and fight for the things that matter.

I couldn't sleep tonight because I had to write this down. Max Bowers has left a legacy for me. His life showed me to always see the good in all people and to fight for it. A new day will come and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. But in the meantime... we keep taking steps towards Mordor... we keep living a life of love... and we keep doing the work of our Master until the Son shines out the clearer once more.

The bravest thing we can do is hope.

Perhaps I can sleep now... 4:35... and my heart still beats...